The Quick Fix!

So if you have read my past couple of blogs, you will undoubtedly have the sense that I need to make some changes in my life. I have been a little wary about sharing those thoughts because then it is concievable that someone could actually hold me accountable for making some of the changes I spoke about. But I am afraid of my own nature in this instance, and what it would tell me to do regarding making "quick fix" solutions to my problems to get by. It was funny because, I was telling Sarah a story yesterday, (I was telling her about my childhood perpensity for sleeping on the floor, regardless of how much it drove my mother crazy, and all the things she tried to make me sleep in my bed. Jack is currently doing this to us!) about something I did as a quick fix that ended really poorly. One of the ways my mother tried to get us to sleep ( My brother and I) IN our beds was buying us a new special comforter. I loved that thing and this actually worked for quite a while. One day however, I accidetally ripped my comforter and I was devistated and did not want to tell my mom that I had ripped my blanket. Certainly, since both of my parents can sew, it would have been a much better solution to tell tham and let them fix it for me...but I of course opted for something else. This was certainly not the first time I had chosen a quick fix solution, but it was the first time the results stood out in my mind as being negative. I decided ( as any intellegent 10 year old would) that the best way to fix a hole in something was obviously a stapler! So I went to my dads office, grabbed his stapler and headed up to my room to begin the repair. I was thourough and used about 20-25 staples to close a 3 inch hole in my blanket. I was truly proud of my accomplishment, and that I had avoided any consequences along the way. I was a champion of innovation...I was my generations RedGreen, and it had taken like 45 seconds to fix! Fast forward couple of weeks...middle of the night...I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and writhing in pain. I was calling out for my mom. She came in and asked me "what on earth is wrong" My foot hurts, I don't know what is wrong with it...it hurts really bad!! So she inspected it..."what the heck is this, you have a staple under your toenail...how did you do this...why is there staples in your blanket...what is wrong with you...did you staple your blanket...answer me..." I told her what I had done and she did not lecture me about how stupid I was, or what a bad descision it was to try and fix it myself...she simply removed the staple, got me a new blanket and we all went back to sleep. Her silence was golden, and I was accutley aware that I had just learned the first of many lessons about why you should not use a quick fix to solve your problems...my only hope is that I have learned this lesson, and that I take my time to fix the things in my life that needs fixing...no STAPLES!

Winter Fly

Have you ever come across a fly in the middle of January? I did today, and I know I have had this thought before but I also thought, well now I have somewhere to put this thought...in my blog!
Anyway, a fly in the winter looks the same as a fly in the summer...they act the same and land in pretty much the same places as they do in the summer. But there is one significant difference between the January fly and his July cousin. Winter flies are much much slower to react to movement. It is far easier to kill a fly in the winter based soley on its much slover movements.I am not sure of the exact science science behind this, though I could hypothesize, but that is really not what this is about. My thought was this. I am a winter fly. I am slow to react. I am Lazy...and I feel like I am somehow out of place, or be better off in another time or place...I don't really mean physically, ( alothough I do feel slower and dumber in the winter) but my being...my character, my insides. And not just in winter, but always. I am slow to react to things that should spur me to action quickly, I feel lost at times and unsure of how to act. I could I suppose, just follow the crowd, and at times if I did this I would likely be further ahead, but instead, I sit atop my moral high horse and simply refuse to move...regardsless of the fact there is a giant hand coming towards me, threatening to squash my very existance. ( I know this sounds wierd but hang in there) This is of course not a literal hand, but rather a hand of indifference, apathy and neglect threatening to render me motionless and unable to move ever again . I know, that if I can not soon make a change in position ( position of my heart and mind) that I will be forever incapacitated and stuck in this listless ditch that I have created for myself to hide in! I must change, I must adapt, I must, so that I can move forward in life, so I can truly experience and live life...fully, the way it was intended. Not happy and ignorant, full of all the things life has to offer...not busy, firefighting pulling my hair out, stressed, but full the way God meant it to be. I don't want to be a winter fly anymore! If I can make it until spring ( a new beginning in my life) I know I will be ok...until then, I will keep buzzing around...

Lamentations

What do I have to be so sad about? I have everything I need and more! I am not currently trapped under a collapsed building in Haiti...and I don't have to fight in a winnerless war that I don't believe in. I am free, fed, indulged, catered to, Loved, Blessed...and I still find reasons to complain about my life. How pathetic is that! I am not (just) being self-depricating here either...I would not have to look far to find others like me...some more satisfied and content, but still others, less content, more bitter and seemingly entitled. Why...we have SO much...and still "need"more. I am Never satisfied. I will feel better when I have a bigger house...so I will have room for all my stuff, plus the new stuff that I dont have yet, but surely at somepoint, I will pull out the old Capital One card and bow once again to a stupid, self-centered whim! Will that do it? Of course it will...thats all I need now...until I have it of course. Maybe I am sad because it the midst of all the hurt and pain that surrounds us ( which I manage to block out most of the time, until something so disasterous happens, that I can't ignore it anymore) I have realized...that these, truly and unfortunaely ARE my inside thoughts...I would not say them aloud, but they are in there...along with my Western/NorthAmerican/Egocentric "I deserve better" sense of entitlement...And it makes me sad...and a little nausiated. Maybe thats what this pit in my stomach is. My problem at this point continues to be that I am becoming (painfully) aware of my self in recent weeks/months but am equally ignorant of how to start to fix these "thinking errors", and sicknesses. What do I need to do to change it...Sell all my things...move into a small apartment...give away my money...maybe. Cipher from the Matrix said it best..."Ignorance is bliss" I was definately happier NOT knowing all this crap about myself. I didn't always feel fulfilled neccesarily, but I certainly did not have the sense of self loathing that now drips off of me. I was insecure, but not nearly as much as I am now, fearing That God, my family, my wife , my son, won't love or respect me if they knew the truth. But I can't keep living like this...something has got to change...How do I stop being so self indulgent...God help me! and if you are reading this...maybe you could help too!

Problem solver

How do you slove a problem like Maria?


Yo, gotta problem? I'll solve it, check out the beat while the DJ revolves it!


Ok thats all the "problem" songs I know...but seriously...I WILL solve your problems if you have some.


At least thats what I believe, and yet today, I sit here, somewhat overwhelmed...and I can't even seem to solve the problem of why I am overwhelmed, much less, all the actual problems that seem so big and heavy to me today. Rarely do I feel better, then when I have come up with a solution to a seemingly unsolvable quandry. I get a high from it. It has taken me a long time to understand in my marriage, that is NOT (or rarely) what Sarah wants from me, usually just a listening, sympathetic ear. I love pressure and "being the hero" who comes up with a brilliant idea to save the day...and yet...today...nothing. Its wierd, I feel scared and anxious, like i have a big pit in my stomach...like I might throw up (If I had gotten a lunch break or eaten anything) What can I do to help a friend making perhaps the most difficult descision of her life...who seems somewhat frustrated at this point with my silence. What do I tell my friend who is seemingly watching his young father best friend rapidly die of cancer? How can I help kids who don't or can't accept my help? What do I say or feel about church I once lived for and its current state of being? How can I make less money and still climb out of debt? How can I be a better Father? How can I be a better husband, someone who really understands the deep inner workings of my wife and what she needs...how can I be a better friend...why the hell is this bringing tears to my eyes! Thats better...I think It was just something in my eye!

Inspired

As apparently several other members of my family were, I was inspired by my Wife to start blogging again. I am going to take a different approach, perhaps a more serious/reflective tone than previous posts...although I won't shy away from my rants should there need to be one!
I have never been one to be vulnerable with people in general. If you know me well( I see the irony in this statement...believe me!), you will know this to be true. I am guarded and keep people at a distance, mostly using sarcasm and humor. This has seemingly worked for me for a long time. The problem however, is that as I get older and realize that I have few deep friendships, or people who really know me...and it seems now more than ever, I want that...I want people to see through me... to really know me...but I have become TOO good at keeping people at a distance and am more convinced than ever...that I don't know how to be friends with people. It is a sad realization. I have had suspiscion of this fact for some time now, but have usually dismissed it because it was too uncomfortable to think about. SO now what...its out there...