Stickin to it!

So the last couple days have been rough...I have been Sick again!!!! And wednesday was an exceptional day at work...got bit, kicked 4 times, had to physically remove a youth from the middle of the road he was lying on, stop traffic (secretly hoping people that know me, but don't know what I do everyday would catch a glimpse of what a day looks like for me) All those great tingly feelings I had on the day I worte my last blog have all but dissipated...but instead of going back to the way things were before that night, I am stickin to it! I have felt better in that last 3 weeks than I have in a long time. Its really wierd not being annoyed all the time. I am not on edge, and I can think clearly, I can concentrate better, focus on what others need. I am happy, satisfied, and not stressed out. I can think about stressful things without becoming overwhelmed. I sleep better, I am not "eating my feelings" anymore...I still eat, but because I love it, not cause I need it. :)
I have found myself giggling at bad drivers, and when seemingly good drivers do stupid things, instead of hating them and giving them a dirty look, I feel bad for them because I know that they know they messed up...but ultimately, I just don't care anymore...and its making a big difference in my life! I am looking forward to what comes next, I like feeling this way!

If it's not mine to give...is it mine to give up?

Really confused right now. It is so much easier to listen to other peoples ideas and then regurgitate them as my own. I have been really trying the last while to come up with original thoughts or ideas...well I am sure they are not original ideas, but for me they are. One concept that I have been rolling around in my mind over the past few days is about the concept of "owning things". And along with this comes the idea of owning my life. I guess what happened to calcify this concept in my mind was on Sunday when Sarah and I were talking about generosity and giving (I won't steal her thunder-check out her blog http://www.everylittlewonder.com/ for more on that). What I am stuggling with is the idea of living a "God-centered life" and how ultimately, I do not think that this is right. Our church did a one year focus on this and it was profound and impactful to our church and it was truly important to talk about since I believe a lot of people, myself included were living with "Christianity on the side" or as something we added to our life whenever we wanted. The concept of Christ centered living is the idea that God is at the the center of our life and he will permiate all of the other areas of our life. This is a great way to live...but consider this...If everything is in fact God's anyway...than my life is not my own and I should not be able to make these kinds of distinctions. My language would change and I would refer to this as Gods life that he is allowing me to be a part of, maybe even at the center of, rather than the inverse, which is what I have always lived like. I would treat things much differently, respect it more...like I was borrowing something valuable from a friend, and wanted to give it back in pristine condition. For example, our friends Dave and Katie lent us their ladder while we were doing reno's and painting last spring. It was an awesome ladder too...the ones that can be like 100 different ladders all in one...and it was virtually brand new! So after we had used it very carefully and respectfully, and only for its designed purposes, they asked for it back. I packed it up to take back to them only to discover that we had gotten white paint all over it. I was mortified and embarrassed when I returned it. I was apologetic when I gave it back to them, but their response was simple, and looking back impactful. They both said "when you lend a ladder to someone for painting, you expect to get it back with some paint on it...it's kind of assumed". Hmm, thats fairly true I suppose. So, here in lies the completion of this metaphor- God gives us a life to use ( but its his, not ours) and we should use it for its intended purpose ( thats a whole other blog...and by someone way smarter than me) and eventually he is going to ask for it back...and he will expect there to be some scuffs on it...and that is fine, just so long as we used it well. The point I am making though, is that this life, and by extension, anything we "own" or "have" in this life, does not in fact belong to us! Therefore, it should be much easier to hold loosely to things, and to give things away and not require more all the time. This makes you view life very differently, and I feel as though I am at a begining point of finding out what this looks and feels like. Some people say "life is a gift"...but its not...life is a loan! And the One who gave it to us is going to want it back at some point, and are we going to give it back broken, used up, abused, neglected and empty, or are we going to give it back, filled up, full of experiences and Love and Joy, poured out and filled up again, cracked, but repaired, a well lived life! I hope its the latter, not the former. The problem is...this puts the idea of "giving something up for Lent" in a very different light. But its not a problem for now, its a problem when I am actually living the way in which I have described. Its not a problem now because I can find LOTS of things I don't want to "give up" because they are important to me, but hopefully next year at this time, the disciplines surrounding Lent will be so ingrained in my heart and life, that I will not in fact feel like I am giving something up. but rather, using the life God lent to me to fulfill His purpose for it...living a Full life. Geez my brain hurts! Tell me your thoughts on this... I have little in the way of frame of reference...so I could just be nuts, but I would like to hear YOUR opinion.

Transformation...Day 3

So, its been a couple of days since my alleged "watershed moment" back on Monday night...and whats changed?
Well, there has been no lightning, no rainbows or angellic chourus' singing in the sky. What has there been? Well, I can't really describe it, but I have felt a real sense of peace. I haven't felt this in quite a while. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety about everything...on edge, for no reason, just was. So this new peaceful feeling is counter active to the feelings of un-easiness that I have become accustomed to in the past while. I must say, its still a little un-nerving though. I have found that I am being confronted with habits I have formed, and attitudes I have cultivated that actually make me feel sick...for example; I actually feel like my road rage is diminished. What I mean is that I have become less concerned about other people's driving habits and more concerned about the fact that I have vainty plates on my car...and what does that mean...well it means that I have begun to be concerned with the PEOPLE in those cars, and what is going on for them, and in a wierd way I want my car to become synonomous with Grace. I know this may sound really strange, but this (road rage- and ulitamtley, hate and anger towards people who in my opinion "can't drive) has been a big issue for me, so these feelings while they may appear random are actually quite profound. I have a new found sense of Grace for people who have very recently annoyed the life out of me...And None of this is because of anything I have done...I just decided to let it happen and its happening and its enjoyable. important things that last week in my life stressed me out, are now important, but not stressfull. I know things will work out, and I feel happy about life for the first time in a long time. I know I have a ton of things to do and change, but that task soes not seem overwhelming anymore, I understand I don't have to be an all or nothing thinker...I understand that this is going to be a process...and I quite honestly feel a little sheepish if not stupid that it has taken me the better part of 33 years to figure this out. I feel all cheesy. Really, I hate cheesiness but I feel like singing and hugging people. I can't wait to have the kind of friendships I have been waiting for...True deep lasting friendships...meaningful, two way, mutually beneficial friendships. ( I do have some good friends now, but I can't wait to be the kind of friend I know I can be) I am excited about the future, not scared anymore. I can't wait to see what happens next!

LIVE...NOW

Ok...no more mister cloudy skies, rainy day, poor me, validate me, love me, give me a shot in the arm...its over!
I was fortunate last night to Hear Robb Powell speak at the University of Waterloo's humanities theatre @ The Embassy. It is quite possible that last night was a "watershed moment" for me. A turning point, or a new beginning...is that enough trite phrases for you? Robb was there to speak about Grief, and as a man who tragically lost his 22year old son on Dec 11th 2009, he may know a thing or two about it. What he said about grief was not profound or new information, but the way he spoke about the life of his son, and how he lived his life was damatically profound...at least to me. In particular, one of his other sons spoke about his brother for a moment...and what he said impacted me deeply. He said, "Dave never hated anyone, he always forgave everyone" "He didn't only befriend people he could gain something from" "He loved everyone"

I know that doesn't sound all that profound, but it sounds familiar...like Jesus maybe? I am not saying Dave was perfect, no one was saying that, but what was said was that he live his life fully and squeezed everything he could from everyday. I have heard that message a hundred times, so why did it stick last night...probably because of the last 4 posts I have written...I was ready to hear it I guess. Robb just had a way of saying things that made sense to me...about life, about God, about Dave and how he lived a good life and about being "built for eternity". Then at the end, we sang a song which has been becoming more real to me everytime I sing it..."how he loves" by John Mark Mcmillan and the line in that song that sealed the deal for me "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, He Love us, whoa how he loves us"

So thats it... no more wasting time on pettyness, or things that don't really matter no more bitterness, no more anger and unforgiveness no more nonsense! More living, more loving, more giving, more sharing, more transparency, more vulnerability, more JOY, more laughs, more savouring, more appreciating, more life! ...OR AT LEAST THAT S THE GOAL!

Progress-Regress---what about when they look the same

I don't really feel the need to write much more than the title for this, as it seems self to say it all. But really, how do you tell the difference between going forwards or sideways/backwards when the results are painful in every direction?

The Quick Fix!

So if you have read my past couple of blogs, you will undoubtedly have the sense that I need to make some changes in my life. I have been a little wary about sharing those thoughts because then it is concievable that someone could actually hold me accountable for making some of the changes I spoke about. But I am afraid of my own nature in this instance, and what it would tell me to do regarding making "quick fix" solutions to my problems to get by. It was funny because, I was telling Sarah a story yesterday, (I was telling her about my childhood perpensity for sleeping on the floor, regardless of how much it drove my mother crazy, and all the things she tried to make me sleep in my bed. Jack is currently doing this to us!) about something I did as a quick fix that ended really poorly. One of the ways my mother tried to get us to sleep ( My brother and I) IN our beds was buying us a new special comforter. I loved that thing and this actually worked for quite a while. One day however, I accidetally ripped my comforter and I was devistated and did not want to tell my mom that I had ripped my blanket. Certainly, since both of my parents can sew, it would have been a much better solution to tell tham and let them fix it for me...but I of course opted for something else. This was certainly not the first time I had chosen a quick fix solution, but it was the first time the results stood out in my mind as being negative. I decided ( as any intellegent 10 year old would) that the best way to fix a hole in something was obviously a stapler! So I went to my dads office, grabbed his stapler and headed up to my room to begin the repair. I was thourough and used about 20-25 staples to close a 3 inch hole in my blanket. I was truly proud of my accomplishment, and that I had avoided any consequences along the way. I was a champion of innovation...I was my generations RedGreen, and it had taken like 45 seconds to fix! Fast forward couple of weeks...middle of the night...I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and writhing in pain. I was calling out for my mom. She came in and asked me "what on earth is wrong" My foot hurts, I don't know what is wrong with it...it hurts really bad!! So she inspected it..."what the heck is this, you have a staple under your toenail...how did you do this...why is there staples in your blanket...what is wrong with you...did you staple your blanket...answer me..." I told her what I had done and she did not lecture me about how stupid I was, or what a bad descision it was to try and fix it myself...she simply removed the staple, got me a new blanket and we all went back to sleep. Her silence was golden, and I was accutley aware that I had just learned the first of many lessons about why you should not use a quick fix to solve your problems...my only hope is that I have learned this lesson, and that I take my time to fix the things in my life that needs fixing...no STAPLES!

Winter Fly

Have you ever come across a fly in the middle of January? I did today, and I know I have had this thought before but I also thought, well now I have somewhere to put this thought...in my blog!
Anyway, a fly in the winter looks the same as a fly in the summer...they act the same and land in pretty much the same places as they do in the summer. But there is one significant difference between the January fly and his July cousin. Winter flies are much much slower to react to movement. It is far easier to kill a fly in the winter based soley on its much slover movements.I am not sure of the exact science science behind this, though I could hypothesize, but that is really not what this is about. My thought was this. I am a winter fly. I am slow to react. I am Lazy...and I feel like I am somehow out of place, or be better off in another time or place...I don't really mean physically, ( alothough I do feel slower and dumber in the winter) but my being...my character, my insides. And not just in winter, but always. I am slow to react to things that should spur me to action quickly, I feel lost at times and unsure of how to act. I could I suppose, just follow the crowd, and at times if I did this I would likely be further ahead, but instead, I sit atop my moral high horse and simply refuse to move...regardsless of the fact there is a giant hand coming towards me, threatening to squash my very existance. ( I know this sounds wierd but hang in there) This is of course not a literal hand, but rather a hand of indifference, apathy and neglect threatening to render me motionless and unable to move ever again . I know, that if I can not soon make a change in position ( position of my heart and mind) that I will be forever incapacitated and stuck in this listless ditch that I have created for myself to hide in! I must change, I must adapt, I must, so that I can move forward in life, so I can truly experience and live life...fully, the way it was intended. Not happy and ignorant, full of all the things life has to offer...not busy, firefighting pulling my hair out, stressed, but full the way God meant it to be. I don't want to be a winter fly anymore! If I can make it until spring ( a new beginning in my life) I know I will be ok...until then, I will keep buzzing around...